Overcoming Comparative Suffering

Overcoming Comparative Suffering

Throughout this pandemic and its associated negative impacts, perhaps you have noticed yourself or others engaging in some problematic reasoning:

“How can I complain or feel negatively about being confined to my house when there are some who don’t even have houses to stay in?”

“You should stop complaining about being essential and just be grateful that you even get to go to work. So many people have been laid off from this. At least you have a job.”

“I really shouldn’t feel so anxious and scared. My neighbor/family member/friend is immunocompromised, and I’m healthy so there’s no justification for my fear.”

If you’ve been on the receiving end of these comments, you probably felt very invalidated.  This type of reasoning is called comparative suffering.  Comparative suffering is based on the assumption that pain or hurt can be rank-ordered.  Sometimes we think this makes our suffering easier: “if someone has it worse than me, it might make my pain lighter.”  However, the impact is that your suffering now becomes “wrong.”  You label your feelings as incorrect, and then introduce guilt or shame that you ever felt pain in the first place.  Additionally, it can serve to isolate.  If you feel guilt or shame about your suffering, you are more likely to avoid sharing it with others.

Another assumption that comparative suffering is based on is that empathy is a finite resource.  We mistakenly assume that giving empathy to someone means we are taking it away from another.  This is false.  Empathy is a skill.  It’s an ability.  Meaning we can choose to use it whenever we want.  You can be kind and compassionate to your essential worker friend, as well as your friend who has lost their job.  At the same time, you can direct compassion towards yourself.  

Start looking out for comparative suffering.  Below are some key phrases and words that might indicate that someone is engaging in comparative suffering, and suggestions for ways to replace them with more empathy and compassion.

  • “At least…” – While some see this as a silver lining approach, it can be very invalidating. Imagine sharing your pain and hurt with a close friend, only to have them say “Well, at least you’re still alive.”  Try replacing “at least” with “that sounds tough. Wow.  How can I support you?”
  • “But…” – ‘But’ is a word that essentially functions to cross out whatever came before it, and emphasize what follows.  This also serves to invalidate emotions or experiences. “I’m feeling really sad, but I have so much to be grateful for.”  Try replacing “but” with “and.”  Two things that seem opposite can be true at the same time: “I’m feeling really sad and I have so much to be grateful for.”
  • “Should” – The word ‘should’ is one that inherently brings shame, guilt, or blame when it’s used.  It functions as a mirror that points out that the ‘ideal’ is not reality.  “You shouldn’t feel scared.”  “You should be grateful.” “Things should be easier.”  Should statements applied to emotions are problematic.  There is not one right way to feel. Work on eliminating ‘should’ from your vocabulary.  One way to do this is to simply acknowledge reality as it is.  Offer empathy and compassion to others, and yourself when you find yourself wanting to use should statements.  “You feel scared- that’s okay. How can I help?”  “I am struggling right now.  How can I care for myself today?”

When we begin to replace comparative suffering with empathy and compassion, we will feel more connected and validated.  Let us know if you try any of these strategies or shared with a friend!

For more on comparative suffering and empathy, check out these great resources from Brené Brown:

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